to never not, not be

Been up all night long

Staring at nothing for far too long

It’s nearly seven AM, what a gem it might be to see the sunrise..

That’s not really what I’m thinking of

Surfacing coherency would be lovely.

If I could crack a whip on my thoughts

And not let their forward motion quit

Then surely I could never not

Be sitting here writing this old shit,

But here I am again, it seems-

Thoughts consumed by mindless dreams

Which could never not, not be, never not, not be

Gone?

Silent Song of Longing

Open your mouth. Speak. Give me something to work with. A hook. A nod. Something I can live with. I'm here for the taking. But you're barely waking up. I have a life to live, and so much to give you, if you'd only open up and Speak.

I have stolen eternity in just a moment. I feel her power and it’s a torment. I cannot carry this alone it must be returned. Unless I grow another heart or my love is earned. So why don’t you rise up to meet me? Why don’t you take this road by my side? Tell me if you’re scared and I’ll be with you. But it seems right now I’m alone on this ride.

too bad

too often i awake

and feel reality is never

where i thought it was

when my dreams that i

hardly remember are more

comforting than whatever this is

it's too bad that i shut

myself away whenever

this shit happens

it's too bad

it's pretty sad

but someday i'll wake up

and won't feel so alone

i'll also get up

and not feel so old

i'll look to the sun and

know that you can see it too

it's true

and i love you

it's true, i love you

it's time to realize the

facts of the situation

over here

let's not be fooled by none

especially ourselves

let's just take it slow

one day at a time

and we'll get by

we'll be fine

then we'll get gone

sail away on some idea that

won't fade away

get lost on some ship or other

we won't need another body around

cuz i'll never drown with you

i know i'll never be found

without you

so come on and give us

that face with the name

that i love

but you can go whenever you want to

you can be whoever you fancy

you can do all that you can find a way to

i just hope that along your way you'll

find me again

oh, do you think you can find me again

on this island?

if not, too bad

if not, it's not so sad

because i know you'll never go away

from here (my heart)

Amber

Everythins moving around in a groove and looking at me. The words on the page lose their pre-prescribed meaning as they rearrange and relate to other words that have come alive. So all I do? my part is just to observe before the fall.

2012

i got my blanket back

i got my blanket back

but 2 souls are taken

2 more are gone

i could have known them

i could have shared

but i just close back up

close back up and dig a hole

to hide in

time is provoked

time is lost

given to the poor?

no, just wasted away

what is with the mindset

of this generation

not losing but wasting and on repeat?

what would our parents say

if they really cared?

what would our parents say

with their arms crossed, jaw barred?

what would our parents say

to us, the ones who had it all to spare?

were we really ever truly aware of what we had?

we must press on

we will move on

but we will never trespass on

forgetting each other

so much to build on

so much to grow on

nothing will break this strong

family apart

we have too much heart

we'll go so far together

alone together,

together alone

as long as we we realize there's something, something irreplaceable

that we own

something we always have shown

in our fortress of make-believe,

but never to be confused with

a make-believe fortress

there's always more to add

there's always more to say

but all good things must come to an end

Tearing

Have you ever had tears travel over you nose

Passing a crossroads on the map of your face

A message from the eyes, the portals of the soul

Looking for and running from a private embrace

Did you ever feel one thing and say another

Just to please the general atmosphere

A quiet thing that maddeningly pierces the truth within

As you are torn between roars or tears

.

.

.

DEAR WHOEVERYOUTRULYARE:

MUST I HAVE AN AUDIENCE FOR MY OWN EMOTION?

I'M SEARCHING FOR A FERTILE IMAGINATION, A NOTION

SO UNLESS YOU, THERE IN THAT SEAT

ARE WILLING TO LIVE IN THIS WILD HEAT

I DON'T WANT YOUR DISORIENTED PITY AND STARES

YOU DON'T KNOW ME. SO WHO FUCKING CARES

My thoughts are congealed, never known
Unless I choose to let them out…
Alone together or Together alone?
Maybe one day We’ll have it figured out

Another Possibility

Dim and Bright are the paths I must choose from tonight

My heart - pumping fast and blind, my head - aching from thought of light

Deciding shouldn't take it so hard

But my conscious is suddenly caught off guard

The time that's lost, nature will not requite

But the Sun and Moon were both born glowing bright

A piece of me wants to break - a shard

But what happens then to the pieces I discard?

Realizing the journey is painless

Climbing too quickly can be dangerous

But I can never choose which way is the call

If I won't allow myself a chance to fall

Another Proclamation

I wanna be up in the clouds with my head

Blown around by coarse and gentle winds instead

Separated and strewn over land and sea

Up to and thru the sky's city

Being and feeling everything at once

To be out of this trap - finding a response

Then shooting back down, a burning meteor

To dance upon Earth's magnetic interior

All I want is my journey to be realized

Something to aspire for and not be compromised

But when others fail to comprehend or rely

Inspiration to articulate does nothing but die

- -

Still haven't said it out loud. I just told my mom most everything I was feeling, and she got it. I sat in a courtyard I knew existed, but had never been to. I've had a headache ever since, and needless to say, my eyes and nose could have filled an olympic sized pool. She was sweet about it, really...now she won't be too surprised when she sees my lacking grades for this semester. No Yale MFA for me, it seems. Not that I was looking for an MFA in the first place.

Missing myself.

Missing people.

Missing motivation.

Missing fire.

Missing enthusiasm

Missing desire.

Missing concern.

Missing fear.

M-I-S-S-I-N-G : the most active thing I've done all year.

A gear has to shift, I know.

I need to talk.

I need to say it out loud.

I don't need polish, I just need a better sightline.

Raise the bar for more light to discover a lifeline

Light to see, feel, breathe, energize

Regrouping myself, putting myself in the right compartments for the right time and place.

I want the traffic horns.

To be surrounded by strangers

Who want different things

Who I can someday meet

If they walk with me, crying on the street

Maybe they'll stop a beat -

A measure in response.

...I want what everyone wants.

...

my bed is like a coffin without walls

I lie with my hands on my chest

the covers around me like a shrinking cucoon

electric fan blows dust on my face

cause I like to have cold ears like the man in the moon.

going thru just another reality

just as everyone expects of me

my passion becomes my obligation

feeling trapped by the standards

that have taken the space of creation

while giving and taking empty regards

which stump my growth's stimulation

why is something so natural a challenge?

how can my heart pump courage?

where can my brain work in balance?

Response:

when the soul feels weak

one of the outsiders - always there to speak

one is constantly there

to calm, to soothe, to repair

to find the pieces overlooked or lost

somehow making them stronger - embossed

they let me find ME

funny how things go

how leaving brings joy and sorrow

tossing everything to and fro

never satisfied, but ere I go

i sit here remembering all

the times i've had a "Hard Fall"

realizing my feelings now - too familiar

to the ones, as I child, I felt - but scarier

the difference now - i am aware

of two lights, so genuine and painless and fair

they set me FREE

funny how things went

the laughter, the tears - never spent

but washing over - never repent!

for i will never 'sorry' for creating either of these 'dents'

so here i am

rhyming to both of your stanzae

i feel like a sham

next to your hands - boy, do i

but the trust i am also feeling,

the hopes, the dreams that are reeling

will get me past the drop off

and to that, i say, "TOWANDA" & "BLECOPH!!!!!!!!"

Done.

how do you respond

when all your wit is gone?

it was just another way to hide.

no sense of humor

the light just hurts my eyes

please tell me it's just a joke of Pride's.

though how is that true

when Apathy takes over

and the Motivation has died?

there was never reason

there's no more rhyme

that i can muster.

Ode to Max - Thanks for The Adventures

Let's go somewhere,

a place with an inspiring, unbroken air.

Let's travel far,

so our home is just memory of the heart.

Let's travel near.

To the things that we hold too dear -

Find the core of their magnetic pull

that unsettles like a shovel, and anchors like an anvil.

In your dreams, be wary of logic.

In your means, go out and frolic.

The sun is your shooting star,

wherever you be,

out Where The Wild Things Are.

Thanks for including me.

Engulfified

I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE

I'M JUST A VULNERABLE SOUL

BUT YOU THINK I LIED...

YOUR EYES PEER INSIDE

I LOSE CONTROL

AND THE SIGHT OF MY GOAL

Dream Catcher,

DO YOU EVER RELEASE?

Insomnia,

WILL YOU EVER CEASE?

Noise,

FIND ME SOME PEACE

FIND IT IN THE SMALLEST CREASE OF THE JOURNEY

I WANT TO LOSE MY MIND

BUT THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO REMIND ME,

SOMETHING TO BIND ME TO MY OWN MORTALITY

bum bum bududududum dum...

my imagination Teases me

as chords from a Friend trigger my senses

the lights Dazzle my eyes

and in the entrance, something Switches

turning up the volume of Who I Am

as You sit there and scan

to get here I Ran

*Electric Violet Summertime

I WROTE ABOUT THE CITY

AND I WROTE ABOUT THE *EYES THAT PASSED

AND I WROTE ABOUT WHAT I THOUGHT I SAW

RIGHT HERE IN THE LOOKING GLASS

 

SNAPPLE CAPS BRING ALL THE WISDOM YOU SEEK

GIVING EVERYBODY SWEET CHEEK

AS YOU REDISCOVER MEMORIES FROM *YOUR SEAT

SEEING ALL THE BEGINNINGS COMPLETE

STARING AT THE SAME BAG FULL OF ITEMS MUNDANE

AND REMEMBERING *EPIPHANIES THRU MY WINDOW PAYNE

 

THE *DALAI LLAMA MAY JOIN YOU

WITH *MAGIC DUST FROM THE *SIGHT OF WORSHIP

THOSE *PAJAMAS LOOK GOOD ON YOU

SO WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE

AS YOU HELP BRING IN THE DAWN

OVER *TWO TWENTY TWO'S CONCRETE LAWN

 

FAMILIAR FACES AND GUESTS

ARE THE MARKINGS OF MY EIGHTEENTH AUGUST

DISCOVERING SOME SOLACE IN THE THRESHOLD

I FIND MYSELF SUDDENLY OUTSIDE THE MOLD

THANKS FOR SURE

GOES TO MY *CURE

WHO WIELDS A *LIGHT OF A PREVAILING ESSENCE

 

THIS GAME OF *CONNECT THE DOTS IS FUN

AS I SHOOT FREE FLYING OUT OF A GUN

NOT KNOWING NEXT WHERE I MAY FALL

BUT I KEEP FAITH REMEMBERING ALL

THE MOMENTS OF DARK AND LIGHT

WERE AND ARE WELL WORTH THE FIGHT

 

SO I WROTE ABOUT THE CITY

AND I WROTE ABOUT THE *EYES THAT PASSED

AND I *KEEP WRITING OF WHAT CAME TO PASS

WELL AFTER THE LOOKING GLASS

Rhyming Thoughts

A YELLOW POST-IT MARKS MY PLACE

IN THE BELL JAR'S PAGES

WONDERING IF I'LL SEE MY FACE

AMONG THEIR BIZARRE STAGES

THUMP

go the heart and brain

BUMP

do you feel the pain?

SLUMP

maybe just let it drain

JUMP

while you brush thru your mane

EAR TO THE GROUND

TASTE THE LIFE OF THE DAY

EYE ON THE SOUND

SMELL THE SIGHT OF THE PLAY

TEETH ONLY POUND

SEE WHAT IS NOW YOUR PREY

AS YOU LET LIFE RESOUND

AND THROW AWAY THE CLAY

How could I forget
The notes cleansing my skin?
How could I forget
The sound that comes with your grin?
How could I forget
Why should I fret
There is no way in hell I can feel regret.

Concentrate

Regenerate

Enervate

Vindicate

Open The Gate

Dream Your Fate

Love, Just State

The Stakes Are Great,

So Believe You're Great

And Enjoy, Live, Create.

Balance

NOTHING IS EVER TOO MUCH OR TOO SOON,

BUT JUST RIGHT AND JUST IN TIME

everything happens for a reason

One of my more profound moments. The are rare, but yes, they occur.

Blue Burning Skies

MY EYES ARE GREY TODAY

REFLECTING FOG FROM THE ATMOSPHERE

I CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MY CITY

I CAN'T EVEN SHED A TEAR

FOR THE MEMORIES I MUST NOW

LEAVE WITH YOU

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I CAN'T SEE

JUST GO ON AS PLANNED

IT'LL BE OKAY

THE BLANK VOID OF SPACE

DRAWS CLOSE AS AIR RUSHES OVER MY EAR

IT HAS TAKEN MY INSTINCT TO FEEL

IT KNOWS I CANNOT NOW FEAR

WHAT I DON'T KNOW AND THERE'S

NOTHING I CAN DO

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I'M RESIGNED

JUST TRUST FATE'S PLAN?

THERE ARE SIGNS ON THE WAY

STAY HERE FOR GOOD I KNOW I SHOULDN'T

HOW CAN I RESIST?

BLOCKING MYSELF FROM DISCOVERY

WHO ARE THEY TO COME IN?

MY BREATH DRIES MY LIPS--

SKIN CRACKS FROM EVERY INHALATION HERE

I'LL RISK A SLOW SUFFOCATION TILL

THE FIRE STRIKES TO SCORCH MY FEAR

FIN'LY SETTING ME AFLAME

WITH THOUGHTS OF BLUE

BURNING SKIES

Call 'er Back Girl

Monday was only two days ago, but I feel like 2 weeks have passed in that span of time.  Wow.  My initial audition on the main stage was at approximately 2:32 PM.  I was second.  I remember slating (introing myself and my piece), I remember my face growing hot, and then suddenly, I say "Thank you!" and walk off.

It was such a rush that as I was walking off stage left toward the green room to get my measurements taken, I found myself thinking, "Fuck!  Where are my shoes!"  They were in my hand, seeing has I stripped down a bit during the course of my 75 second monologue.  Then I had to go through the whole realization that my audition was over.  I did it.  All that time of stress and panic and excitement about those mere seconds, and it was now over.

Onto Monday night, when I get a callback for Winter's Tale, along with the rest of the sophomores.  The director wanted to hear how we did Shakespeare, since we were the only class that didn't do a Shakespeare for our audition piece.  Thought it was really cool of the director to give us a shot.  He was also amazing by giving any help we needed or telling us the meaning of a passage, etc.  He said it seemed like I had a good understanding of the text.

SWEET

Because the last Shakespeare I did was about 5 years ago, and it was high school Shakespeare...yeah.

I had 4 callbacks last night.  One for a young woman in the English Restoration period (pulled out my inner Elizabeth Bennett), one for a deaf actress and the other two were for nuns.

Yep.

Today, I get a callback for Susan (the southern one) from Company.  HA.  And Proserpina from Winter's Tale.  Alrighty then!

So, maybe I seem more versatile than I thought, though I still embrace my inner "mom on crack."  Off to more "conslaveatory"!