Morbid Thoughts

One of the nights I was hanging out with Dalai a couple weeks ago, my parents were going to meet us to pick me up afterwards.  Well, the time soon came for them to meet me, and my mom texted me a few minutes before I called her to tell her where we were.

No answer.

I tried my dad.  No answer.

Dalai and I then walked from the theatre to Duane Reade so she could pick up some things, and I kept trying, and trying, and trying to call my parents, who still aren't answering.  I had just finished complaining about how my parents always insist on picking me up after a certain time, instead of just letting me take the subway because they think I'll get raped or murdered or something "ridiculous" like that.

Well, now I was having the same fears for THEM.  I was disturbed...not because of where my imagination was taking me, but because these actually weren't fears.  I was truly wondering what would happen if something did happen to my parents.

I couldn't reach them for a good 20 minutes, and these thoughts and ideas just kept popping into my head, some of them bad, but most of them...I was actually half-wishing that something did happen to them so I could see if my predictions came true.  In those moments, I truly wanted to know.  What it be like if I was on my own without them.  I do not consider myself a violent or morbid person, whatsoever.  But my curiosity was violently hungry.

I'm trying to make sense of what all this means about myself.