I leave to go back to the Lou in 2 days. Once I'm there I will realize that I have missed it, but it will be strange. Strange, because I'm not the same person that I was exactly one year ago, so it's almost as if I'm starting college all over again, and my friends will have to meet the new me. They probably won't even know the difference. I'm still crazy. That's all the same, though perhaps slightly amplified, so I hope they're at least ready for that. I'm finally ready to reveal Me. Me in my entirety, which I have learned this summer, is the only way to be if I want to do anything in this world worth noting.
The puzzle pieces from my life that were scattered and forgotten have come back, raining on me this summer. That sounds rather ominous, and when it started, I WAS scared about what it all meant...but when all the pieces landed, they all matched up - the pieces that were blank before, now linking together to create not a line, but a chain of different sized links. The smaller links that were disregarded before, were suddenly now the most important. In hind-sight, they were the most vital to the mere preservation of Me. The Me that I have finally started to know, see and embrace. I have a lot of people to thank for that, and I have, but I don't think they can possibly know how much they helped me. I've told them 9692740184 times (that's an approximation), but here's the 9692740185th time: THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU FROM THE DEEPEST DEPTHS AND CHAMBERS OF MY HEART AND SOUL.
BLEH ENOUGH OF THE VAGUE "DEEP" TALK LET'S GET TO THE DIRTY STUFF...later.
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ReplyDeleteMay the puzzle come together piece by piece and row by row.
ReplyDeleteDo you do this, like many people, when you do puzzles? Find all the straight-edged pieces and do the outside frame first? We're even taught by our parents to do that.
Then there are people like us for whom that doesn't work. We start in the middle. We start with the "crooked" edges. We do it the "wrong" way. So it takes us a lot longer, but on the journey to completion, we end up examining each piece more carefully because we have to look at all 4 sides of each, versus just a couple of sides because we're fitting it into the existing frame.
And I'm also okay with going, Fuck it - this is taking too long. I'm going outside to play badminton!
"Me in my entirety" makes me think of my 6/23/09 text to Alice:
ReplyDeleteGeez Louise, I really do heart u. It’s kind of ridiculous, actually. ‘for who u are, essentially’ as Ellen said
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Essentially. Can mean an approximation of, but also means the opposite, who you are at the level of minutest detail, cellular level, in your core.
My 1/8/09 journal after watching Alice, N2N Arena Stage:
ReplyDeleteGeeZUS! you are good at what you do. I'm proud to know you. I'm happy that we've exchanged bits of our lives with each other. You know, people talk about finding our puzzle pieces to fit together, but who's to say you can't have one of mine, and me one of yours? Just because yours is orange doesn't mean it can't fill a space in my blue scenery.