Blue Burning Skies

MY EYES ARE GREY TODAY

REFLECTING FOG FROM THE ATMOSPHERE

I CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MY CITY

I CAN'T EVEN SHED A TEAR

FOR THE MEMORIES I MUST NOW

LEAVE WITH YOU

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I CAN'T SEE

JUST GO ON AS PLANNED

IT'LL BE OKAY

THE BLANK VOID OF SPACE

DRAWS CLOSE AS AIR RUSHES OVER MY EAR

IT HAS TAKEN MY INSTINCT TO FEEL

IT KNOWS I CANNOT NOW FEAR

WHAT I DON'T KNOW AND THERE'S

NOTHING I CAN DO

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I'M RESIGNED

JUST TRUST FATE'S PLAN?

THERE ARE SIGNS ON THE WAY

STAY HERE FOR GOOD I KNOW I SHOULDN'T

HOW CAN I RESIST?

BLOCKING MYSELF FROM DISCOVERY

WHO ARE THEY TO COME IN?

MY BREATH DRIES MY LIPS--

SKIN CRACKS FROM EVERY INHALATION HERE

I'LL RISK A SLOW SUFFOCATION TILL

THE FIRE STRIKES TO SCORCH MY FEAR

FIN'LY SETTING ME AFLAME

WITH THOUGHTS OF BLUE

BURNING SKIES

Call 'er Back Girl

Monday was only two days ago, but I feel like 2 weeks have passed in that span of time.  Wow.  My initial audition on the main stage was at approximately 2:32 PM.  I was second.  I remember slating (introing myself and my piece), I remember my face growing hot, and then suddenly, I say "Thank you!" and walk off.

It was such a rush that as I was walking off stage left toward the green room to get my measurements taken, I found myself thinking, "Fuck!  Where are my shoes!"  They were in my hand, seeing has I stripped down a bit during the course of my 75 second monologue.  Then I had to go through the whole realization that my audition was over.  I did it.  All that time of stress and panic and excitement about those mere seconds, and it was now over.

Onto Monday night, when I get a callback for Winter's Tale, along with the rest of the sophomores.  The director wanted to hear how we did Shakespeare, since we were the only class that didn't do a Shakespeare for our audition piece.  Thought it was really cool of the director to give us a shot.  He was also amazing by giving any help we needed or telling us the meaning of a passage, etc.  He said it seemed like I had a good understanding of the text.

SWEET

Because the last Shakespeare I did was about 5 years ago, and it was high school Shakespeare...yeah.

I had 4 callbacks last night.  One for a young woman in the English Restoration period (pulled out my inner Elizabeth Bennett), one for a deaf actress and the other two were for nuns.

Yep.

Today, I get a callback for Susan (the southern one) from Company.  HA.  And Proserpina from Winter's Tale.  Alrighty then!

So, maybe I seem more versatile than I thought, though I still embrace my inner "mom on crack."  Off to more "conslaveatory"!

Morbid Thoughts

One of the nights I was hanging out with Dalai a couple weeks ago, my parents were going to meet us to pick me up afterwards.  Well, the time soon came for them to meet me, and my mom texted me a few minutes before I called her to tell her where we were.

No answer.

I tried my dad.  No answer.

Dalai and I then walked from the theatre to Duane Reade so she could pick up some things, and I kept trying, and trying, and trying to call my parents, who still aren't answering.  I had just finished complaining about how my parents always insist on picking me up after a certain time, instead of just letting me take the subway because they think I'll get raped or murdered or something "ridiculous" like that.

Well, now I was having the same fears for THEM.  I was disturbed...not because of where my imagination was taking me, but because these actually weren't fears.  I was truly wondering what would happen if something did happen to my parents.

I couldn't reach them for a good 20 minutes, and these thoughts and ideas just kept popping into my head, some of them bad, but most of them...I was actually half-wishing that something did happen to them so I could see if my predictions came true.  In those moments, I truly wanted to know.  What it be like if I was on my own without them.  I do not consider myself a violent or morbid person, whatsoever.  But my curiosity was violently hungry.

I'm trying to make sense of what all this means about myself.

Different Sized Links

As I sit here, staring at the date of my last post and remembering the promises I wrote here in my first...I can't help but feel bad...except for the "man" bit.  Can't help that I'm too good for anybody :-).  MOVING ON, this does NOT mean I regret any decisions I made or anything that happened this summer.

I leave to go back to the Lou in 2 days.  Once I'm there I will realize that I have missed it, but it will be strange.  Strange, because I'm not the same person that I was exactly one year ago, so it's almost as if I'm starting college all over again, and my friends will have to meet the new me.  They probably won't even know the difference.  I'm still crazy.  That's all the same, though perhaps slightly amplified, so I hope they're at least ready for that.  I'm finally ready to reveal Me.  Me in my entirety, which I have learned this summer, is the only way to be if I want to do anything in this world worth noting.

The puzzle pieces from my life that were scattered and forgotten have come back, raining on me this summer.  That sounds rather ominous, and when it started, I WAS scared about what it all meant...but when all the pieces landed, they all matched up - the pieces that were blank before, now linking together to create not a line, but a chain of different sized links.  The smaller links that were disregarded before, were suddenly now the most important.  In hind-sight, they were the most vital to the mere preservation of Me.  The Me that I have finally started to know, see and embrace.  I have a lot of people to thank for that, and I have, but I don't think they can possibly know how much they helped me.  I've told them 9692740184 times (that's an approximation), but here's the 9692740185th time:  THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU FROM THE DEEPEST DEPTHS AND CHAMBERS OF MY HEART AND SOUL.

BLEH ENOUGH OF THE VAGUE "DEEP" TALK LET'S GET TO THE DIRTY STUFF...later.