Still haven't said it out loud. I just told my mom most everything I was feeling, and she got it. I sat in a courtyard I knew existed, but had never been to. I've had a headache ever since, and needless to say, my eyes and nose could have filled an olympic sized pool. She was sweet about it, really...now she won't be too surprised when she sees my lacking grades for this semester. No Yale MFA for me, it seems. Not that I was looking for an MFA in the first place.
Missing myself.
Missing people.
Missing motivation.
Missing fire.
Missing enthusiasm
Missing desire.
Missing concern.
Missing fear.
M-I-S-S-I-N-G : the most active thing I've done all year.
A gear has to shift, I know.
I need to talk.
I need to say it out loud.
I don't need polish, I just need a better sightline.
Raise the bar for more light to discover a lifeline
Light to see, feel, breathe, energize
Regrouping myself, putting myself in the right compartments for the right time and place.
I want the traffic horns.
To be surrounded by strangers
Who want different things
Who I can someday meet
If they walk with me, crying on the street
Maybe they'll stop a beat -
A measure in response.
...I want what everyone wants.
...
my bed is like a coffin without walls
I lie with my hands on my chest
the covers around me like a shrinking cucoon
electric fan blows dust on my face
cause I like to have cold ears like the man in the moon.
going thru just another reality
just as everyone expects of me
my passion becomes my obligation
feeling trapped by the standards
that have taken the space of creation
while giving and taking empty regards
which stump my growth's stimulation
why is something so natural a challenge?
how can my heart pump courage?
where can my brain work in balance?
