Balance

NOTHING IS EVER TOO MUCH OR TOO SOON,

BUT JUST RIGHT AND JUST IN TIME

everything happens for a reason

One of my more profound moments. The are rare, but yes, they occur.

Blue Burning Skies

MY EYES ARE GREY TODAY

REFLECTING FOG FROM THE ATMOSPHERE

I CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MY CITY

I CAN'T EVEN SHED A TEAR

FOR THE MEMORIES I MUST NOW

LEAVE WITH YOU

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I CAN'T SEE

JUST GO ON AS PLANNED

IT'LL BE OKAY

THE BLANK VOID OF SPACE

DRAWS CLOSE AS AIR RUSHES OVER MY EAR

IT HAS TAKEN MY INSTINCT TO FEEL

IT KNOWS I CANNOT NOW FEAR

WHAT I DON'T KNOW AND THERE'S

NOTHING I CAN DO

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I'M RESIGNED

JUST TRUST FATE'S PLAN?

THERE ARE SIGNS ON THE WAY

STAY HERE FOR GOOD I KNOW I SHOULDN'T

HOW CAN I RESIST?

BLOCKING MYSELF FROM DISCOVERY

WHO ARE THEY TO COME IN?

MY BREATH DRIES MY LIPS--

SKIN CRACKS FROM EVERY INHALATION HERE

I'LL RISK A SLOW SUFFOCATION TILL

THE FIRE STRIKES TO SCORCH MY FEAR

FIN'LY SETTING ME AFLAME

WITH THOUGHTS OF BLUE

BURNING SKIES

Call 'er Back Girl

Monday was only two days ago, but I feel like 2 weeks have passed in that span of time.  Wow.  My initial audition on the main stage was at approximately 2:32 PM.  I was second.  I remember slating (introing myself and my piece), I remember my face growing hot, and then suddenly, I say "Thank you!" and walk off.

It was such a rush that as I was walking off stage left toward the green room to get my measurements taken, I found myself thinking, "Fuck!  Where are my shoes!"  They were in my hand, seeing has I stripped down a bit during the course of my 75 second monologue.  Then I had to go through the whole realization that my audition was over.  I did it.  All that time of stress and panic and excitement about those mere seconds, and it was now over.

Onto Monday night, when I get a callback for Winter's Tale, along with the rest of the sophomores.  The director wanted to hear how we did Shakespeare, since we were the only class that didn't do a Shakespeare for our audition piece.  Thought it was really cool of the director to give us a shot.  He was also amazing by giving any help we needed or telling us the meaning of a passage, etc.  He said it seemed like I had a good understanding of the text.

SWEET

Because the last Shakespeare I did was about 5 years ago, and it was high school Shakespeare...yeah.

I had 4 callbacks last night.  One for a young woman in the English Restoration period (pulled out my inner Elizabeth Bennett), one for a deaf actress and the other two were for nuns.

Yep.

Today, I get a callback for Susan (the southern one) from Company.  HA.  And Proserpina from Winter's Tale.  Alrighty then!

So, maybe I seem more versatile than I thought, though I still embrace my inner "mom on crack."  Off to more "conslaveatory"!

Morbid Thoughts

One of the nights I was hanging out with Dalai a couple weeks ago, my parents were going to meet us to pick me up afterwards.  Well, the time soon came for them to meet me, and my mom texted me a few minutes before I called her to tell her where we were.

No answer.

I tried my dad.  No answer.

Dalai and I then walked from the theatre to Duane Reade so she could pick up some things, and I kept trying, and trying, and trying to call my parents, who still aren't answering.  I had just finished complaining about how my parents always insist on picking me up after a certain time, instead of just letting me take the subway because they think I'll get raped or murdered or something "ridiculous" like that.

Well, now I was having the same fears for THEM.  I was disturbed...not because of where my imagination was taking me, but because these actually weren't fears.  I was truly wondering what would happen if something did happen to my parents.

I couldn't reach them for a good 20 minutes, and these thoughts and ideas just kept popping into my head, some of them bad, but most of them...I was actually half-wishing that something did happen to them so I could see if my predictions came true.  In those moments, I truly wanted to know.  What it be like if I was on my own without them.  I do not consider myself a violent or morbid person, whatsoever.  But my curiosity was violently hungry.

I'm trying to make sense of what all this means about myself.

Different Sized Links

As I sit here, staring at the date of my last post and remembering the promises I wrote here in my first...I can't help but feel bad...except for the "man" bit.  Can't help that I'm too good for anybody :-).  MOVING ON, this does NOT mean I regret any decisions I made or anything that happened this summer.

I leave to go back to the Lou in 2 days.  Once I'm there I will realize that I have missed it, but it will be strange.  Strange, because I'm not the same person that I was exactly one year ago, so it's almost as if I'm starting college all over again, and my friends will have to meet the new me.  They probably won't even know the difference.  I'm still crazy.  That's all the same, though perhaps slightly amplified, so I hope they're at least ready for that.  I'm finally ready to reveal Me.  Me in my entirety, which I have learned this summer, is the only way to be if I want to do anything in this world worth noting.

The puzzle pieces from my life that were scattered and forgotten have come back, raining on me this summer.  That sounds rather ominous, and when it started, I WAS scared about what it all meant...but when all the pieces landed, they all matched up - the pieces that were blank before, now linking together to create not a line, but a chain of different sized links.  The smaller links that were disregarded before, were suddenly now the most important.  In hind-sight, they were the most vital to the mere preservation of Me.  The Me that I have finally started to know, see and embrace.  I have a lot of people to thank for that, and I have, but I don't think they can possibly know how much they helped me.  I've told them 9692740184 times (that's an approximation), but here's the 9692740185th time:  THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU FROM THE DEEPEST DEPTHS AND CHAMBERS OF MY HEART AND SOUL.

BLEH ENOUGH OF THE VAGUE "DEEP" TALK LET'S GET TO THE DIRTY STUFF...later.

I Love New York

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOM!  Can there seriously being a day involving this many awesome people in less than 12 hours?  Albeit, the involvement of some of the following was very bitter-sweet or just plain sad, but where else in the world could this have happened?

Katie HM - My partner in crime for the next week and a half :)

Johnny Depp - SMILED AT ME!  (well, me and about 200 other people...but hey)

Farrah - RIP

Michael Jackson - RIP

Cathryn & Madeleine - Unexpectedly and happily saw Blithe with them.

The Cast of Blithe - Speaks for itself...obviously.

Tom Kitt & Brian Yorkey (!!!) - Saw N2N tonight and I noticed them from across Shubert Alley.  I went up  and introduced myself, congratulated them on their more-than-deserved Tony, when who else but...

Katie Britton - pops up and joins the conversation!

Alice Ripley - Convinces me with everything she does that she is unbelievable.  Almost too good to be true.  Plus, she's just snazztastic.

Maybe I'll build on this later, but it's late, so I'll ramble in my dreams :)

Long Overdue Epiphanies

I am being repeatedly inundated by the kindness of people who have been inspiring me my whole life.  The best part is, I didn't even know who they really were until a few weeks ago...oops?  Topics:  Emily Skinner and Alice Ripley.

OK, so I saw Next to Normal (GO SEE IT!!!!!) a few weeks ago not knowing anything about it except for that it was supposed to be phenomenal.  Expectation: more than filled.  Brimmed over, actually, seeing how obsessed I've become with the entire company and creative team of the show.  A COMPLETELY ORIGINAL musical is something that Broadway has not seen in quite some time, and for this one to be as different and, quite frankly, bad ass as it is makes it a pioneer for great original musicals to come.

REACHING THE POINT:  Before the show, I always read all of the casts' bios to see if I've ever seen them in anything, where they studied, etc. 

I get to, "ALICE RIPLEY (Diana)."

skim, skim, skim

...pause...

*skidding car sound*

...reads:  Side Show.

WHAT THE HELL.

Ok, so not only was Side Show part of my first group of 3 OBC recordings that I had ever owned, but the first musical theatre song I ever sang "formally" was from Side Show.  At the time, I felt really retarded, because that's what Alice Ripely was most known for till now, and I like to think of myself as a sort of "Useless Theatre Trivia" archive.

Fast forward to the next day, when I'm basically cyber-stalking the poor woman.  

Facebook friends: done.

IBDB: done.

IMDB: done.

Amazon: *skidding car sound*

Ok, so there I was on Amazon seeing what other things I might have missed this woman in.  First of all, I found out Emily Skinner was Daisy, opposite Alice (Violet) in SS (the only reason I'm explaining this is because I want to feel accomplished, learning something by myself that everyone else already knew...).  I also became her Facebook friend.  So I scroll down past the Side Show album, past Alice's solo album, past more Al/Em albums...and I find RIPLEY.

Shortly after I sang "Who Will Love Me As I Am" (the song mentioned above), I began dabbling in music composition.  My favorite composers/artists at that time were major influences in my musical taste and in things I wrote and things that I still write.  Those included, Dave Matthews Band, Regina Spektor, Sara Bareilles, Edith Piaf, Missy Higgins, Gershwin, Sondheim and "this band" called RIPLEY...just to name a few.

Guess what.  Alice is not only the lead singer, but the songwriter and guitarist for "this band."

WHAT?!?!?!??!?!

How could this woman have influenced so much of my life, yet I didn't even know who the hell she was?  Never in my life would I have imagined that those two women--the one from Side Show and the other one from RIPLEY would be the SAME?!  And give me a break, I know it's her last name, but GO LISTEN to the cast album and then her band.  TOTALLY DIFFERENT SOUND.  Which is another reason why she's amazing: her versatility.

Anyway, back to the first sentence...I met Alice at the stage door after the show (after my epiphany about Side Show, but before my epiphany about RIPLEY), and she was a total doll.  We chatted for a couple minutes, and for once it was a stage door experience that was completely awkward-free.  She loves her fans (obviously since she now has over 3,000 of them as her friends on facebook).  Speaking of Facebook, when I friended Emily, I sent her a message, you know since I actually haven't met her.  She responded the next day with the sweetest response.

It makes me so happy that these are the types of people I will (hopefully) be working with one day...more specifically THESE WOMEN!  I can now say that they are such amazing people, now that I finally know who they are.

I swear, if I don't stop writing now, I'll go on like a blabbering fool for days.

I need to see the show again.  AND YOU DO TOO.