2012

i got my blanket back

i got my blanket back

but 2 souls are taken

2 more are gone

i could have known them

i could have shared

but i just close back up

close back up and dig a hole

to hide in

time is provoked

time is lost

given to the poor?

no, just wasted away

what is with the mindset

of this generation

not losing but wasting and on repeat?

what would our parents say

if they really cared?

what would our parents say

with their arms crossed, jaw barred?

what would our parents say

to us, the ones who had it all to spare?

were we really ever truly aware of what we had?

we must press on

we will move on

but we will never trespass on

forgetting each other

so much to build on

so much to grow on

nothing will break this strong

family apart

we have too much heart

we'll go so far together

alone together,

together alone

as long as we we realize there's something, something irreplaceable

that we own

something we always have shown

in our fortress of make-believe,

but never to be confused with

a make-believe fortress

there's always more to add

there's always more to say

but all good things must come to an end

Tearing

Have you ever had tears travel over you nose

Passing a crossroads on the map of your face

A message from the eyes, the portals of the soul

Looking for and running from a private embrace

Did you ever feel one thing and say another

Just to please the general atmosphere

A quiet thing that maddeningly pierces the truth within

As you are torn between roars or tears

.

.

.

DEAR WHOEVERYOUTRULYARE:

MUST I HAVE AN AUDIENCE FOR MY OWN EMOTION?

I'M SEARCHING FOR A FERTILE IMAGINATION, A NOTION

SO UNLESS YOU, THERE IN THAT SEAT

ARE WILLING TO LIVE IN THIS WILD HEAT

I DON'T WANT YOUR DISORIENTED PITY AND STARES

YOU DON'T KNOW ME. SO WHO FUCKING CARES

My thoughts are congealed, never known
Unless I choose to let them out…
Alone together or Together alone?
Maybe one day We’ll have it figured out

Another Possibility

Dim and Bright are the paths I must choose from tonight

My heart - pumping fast and blind, my head - aching from thought of light

Deciding shouldn't take it so hard

But my conscious is suddenly caught off guard

The time that's lost, nature will not requite

But the Sun and Moon were both born glowing bright

A piece of me wants to break - a shard

But what happens then to the pieces I discard?

Realizing the journey is painless

Climbing too quickly can be dangerous

But I can never choose which way is the call

If I won't allow myself a chance to fall

Another Proclamation

I wanna be up in the clouds with my head

Blown around by coarse and gentle winds instead

Separated and strewn over land and sea

Up to and thru the sky's city

Being and feeling everything at once

To be out of this trap - finding a response

Then shooting back down, a burning meteor

To dance upon Earth's magnetic interior

All I want is my journey to be realized

Something to aspire for and not be compromised

But when others fail to comprehend or rely

Inspiration to articulate does nothing but die

- -

Still haven't said it out loud. I just told my mom most everything I was feeling, and she got it. I sat in a courtyard I knew existed, but had never been to. I've had a headache ever since, and needless to say, my eyes and nose could have filled an olympic sized pool. She was sweet about it, really...now she won't be too surprised when she sees my lacking grades for this semester. No Yale MFA for me, it seems. Not that I was looking for an MFA in the first place.

Missing myself.

Missing people.

Missing motivation.

Missing fire.

Missing enthusiasm

Missing desire.

Missing concern.

Missing fear.

M-I-S-S-I-N-G : the most active thing I've done all year.

A gear has to shift, I know.

I need to talk.

I need to say it out loud.

I don't need polish, I just need a better sightline.

Raise the bar for more light to discover a lifeline

Light to see, feel, breathe, energize

Regrouping myself, putting myself in the right compartments for the right time and place.

I want the traffic horns.

To be surrounded by strangers

Who want different things

Who I can someday meet

If they walk with me, crying on the street

Maybe they'll stop a beat -

A measure in response.

...I want what everyone wants.

...

my bed is like a coffin without walls

I lie with my hands on my chest

the covers around me like a shrinking cucoon

electric fan blows dust on my face

cause I like to have cold ears like the man in the moon.

going thru just another reality

just as everyone expects of me

my passion becomes my obligation

feeling trapped by the standards

that have taken the space of creation

while giving and taking empty regards

which stump my growth's stimulation

why is something so natural a challenge?

how can my heart pump courage?

where can my brain work in balance?

Response:

when the soul feels weak

one of the outsiders - always there to speak

one is constantly there

to calm, to soothe, to repair

to find the pieces overlooked or lost

somehow making them stronger - embossed

they let me find ME

funny how things go

how leaving brings joy and sorrow

tossing everything to and fro

never satisfied, but ere I go

i sit here remembering all

the times i've had a "Hard Fall"

realizing my feelings now - too familiar

to the ones, as I child, I felt - but scarier

the difference now - i am aware

of two lights, so genuine and painless and fair

they set me FREE

funny how things went

the laughter, the tears - never spent

but washing over - never repent!

for i will never 'sorry' for creating either of these 'dents'

so here i am

rhyming to both of your stanzae

i feel like a sham

next to your hands - boy, do i

but the trust i am also feeling,

the hopes, the dreams that are reeling

will get me past the drop off

and to that, i say, "TOWANDA" & "BLECOPH!!!!!!!!"

Done.

how do you respond

when all your wit is gone?

it was just another way to hide.

no sense of humor

the light just hurts my eyes

please tell me it's just a joke of Pride's.

though how is that true

when Apathy takes over

and the Motivation has died?

there was never reason

there's no more rhyme

that i can muster.

Ode to Max - Thanks for The Adventures

Let's go somewhere,

a place with an inspiring, unbroken air.

Let's travel far,

so our home is just memory of the heart.

Let's travel near.

To the things that we hold too dear -

Find the core of their magnetic pull

that unsettles like a shovel, and anchors like an anvil.

In your dreams, be wary of logic.

In your means, go out and frolic.

The sun is your shooting star,

wherever you be,

out Where The Wild Things Are.

Thanks for including me.

Engulfified

I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE

I'M JUST A VULNERABLE SOUL

BUT YOU THINK I LIED...

YOUR EYES PEER INSIDE

I LOSE CONTROL

AND THE SIGHT OF MY GOAL

Dream Catcher,

DO YOU EVER RELEASE?

Insomnia,

WILL YOU EVER CEASE?

Noise,

FIND ME SOME PEACE

FIND IT IN THE SMALLEST CREASE OF THE JOURNEY

I WANT TO LOSE MY MIND

BUT THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO REMIND ME,

SOMETHING TO BIND ME TO MY OWN MORTALITY

bum bum bududududum dum...

my imagination Teases me

as chords from a Friend trigger my senses

the lights Dazzle my eyes

and in the entrance, something Switches

turning up the volume of Who I Am

as You sit there and scan

to get here I Ran

*Electric Violet Summertime

I WROTE ABOUT THE CITY

AND I WROTE ABOUT THE *EYES THAT PASSED

AND I WROTE ABOUT WHAT I THOUGHT I SAW

RIGHT HERE IN THE LOOKING GLASS

 

SNAPPLE CAPS BRING ALL THE WISDOM YOU SEEK

GIVING EVERYBODY SWEET CHEEK

AS YOU REDISCOVER MEMORIES FROM *YOUR SEAT

SEEING ALL THE BEGINNINGS COMPLETE

STARING AT THE SAME BAG FULL OF ITEMS MUNDANE

AND REMEMBERING *EPIPHANIES THRU MY WINDOW PAYNE

 

THE *DALAI LLAMA MAY JOIN YOU

WITH *MAGIC DUST FROM THE *SIGHT OF WORSHIP

THOSE *PAJAMAS LOOK GOOD ON YOU

SO WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE

AS YOU HELP BRING IN THE DAWN

OVER *TWO TWENTY TWO'S CONCRETE LAWN

 

FAMILIAR FACES AND GUESTS

ARE THE MARKINGS OF MY EIGHTEENTH AUGUST

DISCOVERING SOME SOLACE IN THE THRESHOLD

I FIND MYSELF SUDDENLY OUTSIDE THE MOLD

THANKS FOR SURE

GOES TO MY *CURE

WHO WIELDS A *LIGHT OF A PREVAILING ESSENCE

 

THIS GAME OF *CONNECT THE DOTS IS FUN

AS I SHOOT FREE FLYING OUT OF A GUN

NOT KNOWING NEXT WHERE I MAY FALL

BUT I KEEP FAITH REMEMBERING ALL

THE MOMENTS OF DARK AND LIGHT

WERE AND ARE WELL WORTH THE FIGHT

 

SO I WROTE ABOUT THE CITY

AND I WROTE ABOUT THE *EYES THAT PASSED

AND I *KEEP WRITING OF WHAT CAME TO PASS

WELL AFTER THE LOOKING GLASS

Rhyming Thoughts

A YELLOW POST-IT MARKS MY PLACE

IN THE BELL JAR'S PAGES

WONDERING IF I'LL SEE MY FACE

AMONG THEIR BIZARRE STAGES

THUMP

go the heart and brain

BUMP

do you feel the pain?

SLUMP

maybe just let it drain

JUMP

while you brush thru your mane

EAR TO THE GROUND

TASTE THE LIFE OF THE DAY

EYE ON THE SOUND

SMELL THE SIGHT OF THE PLAY

TEETH ONLY POUND

SEE WHAT IS NOW YOUR PREY

AS YOU LET LIFE RESOUND

AND THROW AWAY THE CLAY

How could I forget
The notes cleansing my skin?
How could I forget
The sound that comes with your grin?
How could I forget
Why should I fret
There is no way in hell I can feel regret.

Concentrate

Regenerate

Enervate

Vindicate

Open The Gate

Dream Your Fate

Love, Just State

The Stakes Are Great,

So Believe You're Great

And Enjoy, Live, Create.

Balance

NOTHING IS EVER TOO MUCH OR TOO SOON,

BUT JUST RIGHT AND JUST IN TIME

everything happens for a reason

One of my more profound moments. The are rare, but yes, they occur.

Blue Burning Skies

MY EYES ARE GREY TODAY

REFLECTING FOG FROM THE ATMOSPHERE

I CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MY CITY

I CAN'T EVEN SHED A TEAR

FOR THE MEMORIES I MUST NOW

LEAVE WITH YOU

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I CAN'T SEE

JUST GO ON AS PLANNED

IT'LL BE OKAY

THE BLANK VOID OF SPACE

DRAWS CLOSE AS AIR RUSHES OVER MY EAR

IT HAS TAKEN MY INSTINCT TO FEEL

IT KNOWS I CANNOT NOW FEAR

WHAT I DON'T KNOW AND THERE'S

NOTHING I CAN DO

WHERE DO I STAND WHEN I'M RESIGNED

JUST TRUST FATE'S PLAN?

THERE ARE SIGNS ON THE WAY

STAY HERE FOR GOOD I KNOW I SHOULDN'T

HOW CAN I RESIST?

BLOCKING MYSELF FROM DISCOVERY

WHO ARE THEY TO COME IN?

MY BREATH DRIES MY LIPS--

SKIN CRACKS FROM EVERY INHALATION HERE

I'LL RISK A SLOW SUFFOCATION TILL

THE FIRE STRIKES TO SCORCH MY FEAR

FIN'LY SETTING ME AFLAME

WITH THOUGHTS OF BLUE

BURNING SKIES

Call 'er Back Girl

Monday was only two days ago, but I feel like 2 weeks have passed in that span of time.  Wow.  My initial audition on the main stage was at approximately 2:32 PM.  I was second.  I remember slating (introing myself and my piece), I remember my face growing hot, and then suddenly, I say "Thank you!" and walk off.

It was such a rush that as I was walking off stage left toward the green room to get my measurements taken, I found myself thinking, "Fuck!  Where are my shoes!"  They were in my hand, seeing has I stripped down a bit during the course of my 75 second monologue.  Then I had to go through the whole realization that my audition was over.  I did it.  All that time of stress and panic and excitement about those mere seconds, and it was now over.

Onto Monday night, when I get a callback for Winter's Tale, along with the rest of the sophomores.  The director wanted to hear how we did Shakespeare, since we were the only class that didn't do a Shakespeare for our audition piece.  Thought it was really cool of the director to give us a shot.  He was also amazing by giving any help we needed or telling us the meaning of a passage, etc.  He said it seemed like I had a good understanding of the text.

SWEET

Because the last Shakespeare I did was about 5 years ago, and it was high school Shakespeare...yeah.

I had 4 callbacks last night.  One for a young woman in the English Restoration period (pulled out my inner Elizabeth Bennett), one for a deaf actress and the other two were for nuns.

Yep.

Today, I get a callback for Susan (the southern one) from Company.  HA.  And Proserpina from Winter's Tale.  Alrighty then!

So, maybe I seem more versatile than I thought, though I still embrace my inner "mom on crack."  Off to more "conslaveatory"!

Morbid Thoughts

One of the nights I was hanging out with Dalai a couple weeks ago, my parents were going to meet us to pick me up afterwards.  Well, the time soon came for them to meet me, and my mom texted me a few minutes before I called her to tell her where we were.

No answer.

I tried my dad.  No answer.

Dalai and I then walked from the theatre to Duane Reade so she could pick up some things, and I kept trying, and trying, and trying to call my parents, who still aren't answering.  I had just finished complaining about how my parents always insist on picking me up after a certain time, instead of just letting me take the subway because they think I'll get raped or murdered or something "ridiculous" like that.

Well, now I was having the same fears for THEM.  I was disturbed...not because of where my imagination was taking me, but because these actually weren't fears.  I was truly wondering what would happen if something did happen to my parents.

I couldn't reach them for a good 20 minutes, and these thoughts and ideas just kept popping into my head, some of them bad, but most of them...I was actually half-wishing that something did happen to them so I could see if my predictions came true.  In those moments, I truly wanted to know.  What it be like if I was on my own without them.  I do not consider myself a violent or morbid person, whatsoever.  But my curiosity was violently hungry.

I'm trying to make sense of what all this means about myself.

Different Sized Links

As I sit here, staring at the date of my last post and remembering the promises I wrote here in my first...I can't help but feel bad...except for the "man" bit.  Can't help that I'm too good for anybody :-).  MOVING ON, this does NOT mean I regret any decisions I made or anything that happened this summer.

I leave to go back to the Lou in 2 days.  Once I'm there I will realize that I have missed it, but it will be strange.  Strange, because I'm not the same person that I was exactly one year ago, so it's almost as if I'm starting college all over again, and my friends will have to meet the new me.  They probably won't even know the difference.  I'm still crazy.  That's all the same, though perhaps slightly amplified, so I hope they're at least ready for that.  I'm finally ready to reveal Me.  Me in my entirety, which I have learned this summer, is the only way to be if I want to do anything in this world worth noting.

The puzzle pieces from my life that were scattered and forgotten have come back, raining on me this summer.  That sounds rather ominous, and when it started, I WAS scared about what it all meant...but when all the pieces landed, they all matched up - the pieces that were blank before, now linking together to create not a line, but a chain of different sized links.  The smaller links that were disregarded before, were suddenly now the most important.  In hind-sight, they were the most vital to the mere preservation of Me.  The Me that I have finally started to know, see and embrace.  I have a lot of people to thank for that, and I have, but I don't think they can possibly know how much they helped me.  I've told them 9692740184 times (that's an approximation), but here's the 9692740185th time:  THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU FROM THE DEEPEST DEPTHS AND CHAMBERS OF MY HEART AND SOUL.

BLEH ENOUGH OF THE VAGUE "DEEP" TALK LET'S GET TO THE DIRTY STUFF...later.

I Love New York

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOM!  Can there seriously being a day involving this many awesome people in less than 12 hours?  Albeit, the involvement of some of the following was very bitter-sweet or just plain sad, but where else in the world could this have happened?

Katie HM - My partner in crime for the next week and a half :)

Johnny Depp - SMILED AT ME!  (well, me and about 200 other people...but hey)

Farrah - RIP

Michael Jackson - RIP

Cathryn & Madeleine - Unexpectedly and happily saw Blithe with them.

The Cast of Blithe - Speaks for itself...obviously.

Tom Kitt & Brian Yorkey (!!!) - Saw N2N tonight and I noticed them from across Shubert Alley.  I went up  and introduced myself, congratulated them on their more-than-deserved Tony, when who else but...

Katie Britton - pops up and joins the conversation!

Alice Ripley - Convinces me with everything she does that she is unbelievable.  Almost too good to be true.  Plus, she's just snazztastic.

Maybe I'll build on this later, but it's late, so I'll ramble in my dreams :)

Long Overdue Epiphanies

I am being repeatedly inundated by the kindness of people who have been inspiring me my whole life.  The best part is, I didn't even know who they really were until a few weeks ago...oops?  Topics:  Emily Skinner and Alice Ripley.

OK, so I saw Next to Normal (GO SEE IT!!!!!) a few weeks ago not knowing anything about it except for that it was supposed to be phenomenal.  Expectation: more than filled.  Brimmed over, actually, seeing how obsessed I've become with the entire company and creative team of the show.  A COMPLETELY ORIGINAL musical is something that Broadway has not seen in quite some time, and for this one to be as different and, quite frankly, bad ass as it is makes it a pioneer for great original musicals to come.

REACHING THE POINT:  Before the show, I always read all of the casts' bios to see if I've ever seen them in anything, where they studied, etc. 

I get to, "ALICE RIPLEY (Diana)."

skim, skim, skim

...pause...

*skidding car sound*

...reads:  Side Show.

WHAT THE HELL.

Ok, so not only was Side Show part of my first group of 3 OBC recordings that I had ever owned, but the first musical theatre song I ever sang "formally" was from Side Show.  At the time, I felt really retarded, because that's what Alice Ripely was most known for till now, and I like to think of myself as a sort of "Useless Theatre Trivia" archive.

Fast forward to the next day, when I'm basically cyber-stalking the poor woman.  

Facebook friends: done.

IBDB: done.

IMDB: done.

Amazon: *skidding car sound*

Ok, so there I was on Amazon seeing what other things I might have missed this woman in.  First of all, I found out Emily Skinner was Daisy, opposite Alice (Violet) in SS (the only reason I'm explaining this is because I want to feel accomplished, learning something by myself that everyone else already knew...).  I also became her Facebook friend.  So I scroll down past the Side Show album, past Alice's solo album, past more Al/Em albums...and I find RIPLEY.

Shortly after I sang "Who Will Love Me As I Am" (the song mentioned above), I began dabbling in music composition.  My favorite composers/artists at that time were major influences in my musical taste and in things I wrote and things that I still write.  Those included, Dave Matthews Band, Regina Spektor, Sara Bareilles, Edith Piaf, Missy Higgins, Gershwin, Sondheim and "this band" called RIPLEY...just to name a few.

Guess what.  Alice is not only the lead singer, but the songwriter and guitarist for "this band."

WHAT?!?!?!??!?!

How could this woman have influenced so much of my life, yet I didn't even know who the hell she was?  Never in my life would I have imagined that those two women--the one from Side Show and the other one from RIPLEY would be the SAME?!  And give me a break, I know it's her last name, but GO LISTEN to the cast album and then her band.  TOTALLY DIFFERENT SOUND.  Which is another reason why she's amazing: her versatility.

Anyway, back to the first sentence...I met Alice at the stage door after the show (after my epiphany about Side Show, but before my epiphany about RIPLEY), and she was a total doll.  We chatted for a couple minutes, and for once it was a stage door experience that was completely awkward-free.  She loves her fans (obviously since she now has over 3,000 of them as her friends on facebook).  Speaking of Facebook, when I friended Emily, I sent her a message, you know since I actually haven't met her.  She responded the next day with the sweetest response.

It makes me so happy that these are the types of people I will (hopefully) be working with one day...more specifically THESE WOMEN!  I can now say that they are such amazing people, now that I finally know who they are.

I swear, if I don't stop writing now, I'll go on like a blabbering fool for days.

I need to see the show again.  AND YOU DO TOO.

Recommendations

Now commences the "Ellen-tells-all-you-avid-readers-what-she-likes-and-therefore-what-you-should-like" section of the blog.  However, I don't really like the word "Recommendations" just because it reminds me of the horrific time in my life that was applying to college, which I will say nothing about in this post because that will have to be a few chapters in my autobiography--another thing which no one will read.  SO, if you have any suggestions for the title of this section of my blog, please comment to suggest!  (I went to thesaurus and the only interesting one was "plug" and that doesn't even make sense).

...but I digress...

So I had a very long layover in Detroit on my way home from school a couple days ago (very nice airport, so it was all good.)  I stop in their mini Borders and begin browsing because, as previously stated, one of my goals for the summer is to read a lot.  By the way, I'm useless in a bookstore.  Ab.SO.lute.ly. Useless.  I'm incredibly picky when it comes to books.  The only genres that I find that I consistently like are autobiographies and a hybrid of science fiction, fantasy and romance...aka the Twilight saga.  I could do better with the dialogue of those books, but hey, they make me very happy :-9.  Anyway, I was browsing for about 20 minutes with no books in my hand (though I was extremely tempted by Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) when one of the salesclerks came over and did the general "How are you doing?" routine.  She was a cute, short black girl with great curves and a very warm smile, which made me break my "professional"/New Yorker-i-ness.  She saw that I was in the fiction section, and asked if she could make a recommendation.  I was so relieved because I didn't even know where to look (I'm one of the bad ones that judges the cover...oops).  Let me just point out that this is the first time I've been in a commercial bookstore where the person not only truely helped me, but had actually seemed to have read some books.  I tipped her.  Another first for a bookstore.

THE POINT:  If you like the hybrid genre of sci-fi/fantasy/romance, then go read the "Sookie Stackhouse" series by Charlaine Harris.  It has very similar aspects to Twilight, but there are more books, the characters are more mature and it doesn't have hidden "moral messages" in it (i.e. None of the "why buy the cow" stuff).  While the names aren't as elegant or romantic (Sookie and Bill), you get over it pretty quickly.

Wow.  This post is a lot longer than intended.  Kudos if you got to the bottom!

Level of the Stuff in the Glass

This weekend has made me grateful for many of the things that I have and don't have in my personal life.  I just simply can't wait to get home tomorrow after a long day of traveling so I can finally become a part of the pulse of New York again.  Location is a strange thing that completely changes your view of the world from the moment you arrive or depart.  I'm anxious to get back to 2 of the places where my glass always seems more than half full: NYC and...NC.  Yep, I said it.  In hindsight I'm so very grateful for my time living in NC.  If I hadn't moved there, I would never ever had ended up where I am in my life: a place that, so far, I am loving.  Everything happens for a reason, right?

It takes a mature and strong person to give their loved ones a break now and then.  But when do we know the right time to tell them they're wrong?  Just a thought to ponder for myself...

My roommate comes to frolic with me in the Big Apple a week from today and I couldn't be more excited to have a great excuse to become a tourist in the city again :)  No matter how much time I spend there, it never seems enough and though I advertise hating the tourists in Times Square who walk like sloths, stop right in front of you in the middle of the sidewalk and hit you with their backpacks, I am still one at heart.  (But seriously, they could move to the *side* of the sidewalk...please!)

Well, I can't seem to think of much else to ramble about at the moment, which is a bit unusual.  Must be my location.

Copy Cat

I got one of these to copy my lovely roommate.  Even though her summer looks to be more exciting than mine (aka Beth Leavel)...I don't want to talk about it...I am going to try to keep up with this thing.  No one else but her will read this--well, I hope she does--but even so, I am going to commit myself to these things over the summer:

1) Read a lot of books

2) Read a lot of plays

3) Blog about living easy in the summer time

4) Maybe find a man...please?

The list will undoubtedly grow.

Just thought I'd say hello for the time being to the only lovely reader that I may or may not have today.

Ciao!